On Father’s Day a couple years ago, I starting writing down an account of what I thought I had learned from the earlier part of parenting two children– practical tips and perspective. I wanted to summarize how I came to frame the project of parenting as well as recount what I had learned to shoot for (with mixed results). 

This site is not a comprehensive how-to of parenting nor will you find any original ideas. I’m no expert. I’ve picked up most of this from others who seemed much better at this parenting thing- teachers, other parents and my parents.

Am I some perfect, shining example of parenting? My kids and wife will tell you emphatically, “No!” And so will I. In fact, I often feel I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. Parenting can present you with an on-going feeling of uncertainty or even failure.  Which, it turns out, is fine if you don’t pay too much attention to that. Uncertainty and delayed payoff is part of the job description of parenting. And that’s okay, because it is at its heart an improv.

I’ve come to see that raising children is perhaps the best way to improve our world and our future. Kids are a beacon of hope and perhaps the best reason for us grown ups to muster some optimism, something kids very much need as well. Children humanize us grown ups and give us perhaps the best incentive to grow and to let our better self shine.

With kids, the stakes of living are higher and life feels it matters more. Raising kids deepens your appreciation of the stakes of life and you feel more connected to the human race, where we all come from and where we are going. Parenting nullifies and counters our inclinations towards selfishness and pessimism.

What follows is what I’ve learned as a parent of younger kids (mostly pre-teen parenting), in no particular order. 

-Dee Bradley Baker, January 2016- updated 2024

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When interviewing prospective pediatricians, try to find one with an on-site x-ray and lab, that way, you don’t have to wait for blood/urine tests or go to another facility to X-ray a possibly broken bone or determine an illness test.

Regular adequate sleep is as important as food and should be a top priority. This is especially true in infancy and early childhood. Sleep solves many behavioral problems, sharpens the mind, and is the foundation of health. The importance of good sleep patterns (for everyone) cannot be overstated. For us, “Health Sleep Habits, Happy Child” by Weisbluth was a life-saver for us.

What are you actually saying? Often, how you say something is much more important and impactful than the mere words. Babies and children are masters at reading subtext from the very start. Almost like a dog, a child can read what you are saying, even if they don’t actually understand your words. Or even if you don’t actually understand the subtext of your words.

Flu/vomiting: Have a child sleep on layers of clean towels if vomiting or ill. That way, instead of having to change the sheets after every barf, you just peel off the top soiled towel and you have a  clean one underneath.

Avoiding the plague– When something horrible bug is stalking your family, something that is transmitted by contact (hand to mouth usually), I have had success avoiding it by imagining every touchable surface in my home covered in dog crap. This way, every time I touch something or someone, I keep my hand consciously away from my face and then either wash or sanitize it as soon as possible. I go full “Howard Hughes” and it has worked for me a number of times.

Baby talk: Constantly narrate everything to an infant to teach both action, words and intent. You are showing how the world works, how things fit together, how to process. How you make a meal, change a diaper, get into the car, put on a seat belt– narrate anything and everything.

Childhood is a developmental stage separate and distinct from adulthood. Childhood happens once in a lifetime and must be protected as well as nourished. Many features or realities of the adult world are not appropriate or beneficial for a child to know about or confront just yet. The idea that kids should “see and do everything from the adult world” is crap. Our commercial world seeks to break down all barriers protecting children for the sake of selling merchandise and ads- but this often isn’t to your child’s benefit.

Good parenting is good improv: The rules of good improv hold for good parenting. “Yes and…,” openness, listening, moving the story forward, not bailing, making it a game, committing to offers made by others, coming up with new offers, not grandstanding, fearlessness in the face of not knowing what will happen, not forcing your own ideas as a scene playing out, a sense of play and fun, second support, etc. All the rules and instincts of good improv apply in parenting.

Play without goal or competition is as essential for children as it is for grownups. There is plenty of time for competition and activity directed at accomplishing goals later. “Wasting time” together is often the best use of it.

“Be good” A child is already good. Don’t tell them they need to “be good,” as it implies they aren’t, that there’s something wrong with them. Be kind, be considerate, be nice, but “be good?” They’re already there.

“Time In” versus “Time out” as corrective punishment.  When a kid “misbehaves” why banish them to isolation? Is abandonment really what a kid having a tantrum or a rough day needs or even deserves? No. Try instead bringing them physically to you. Sit right next to them, hold them, be with them instead of banishing them or shutting off your love and connection when they are having a difficult time. Instead of meting out punitive isolation from what feeds their life, bringing them to you instead affirms that you are with them, that you love them, that they aren’t alone, even when they make a mistake or overreact or are having a rough time with some issue. When they calm down they are left with connection and being with who they love, rather than isolation and banishment from their foundation (their parents).

Non-competitive play is a fundamental human need and children need it not just with each other, but also from their parents. Constantly. Grown ups deal much more in a competitive and even “zero sum” world, but this isn’t what children need to grow and learn. Time with kids calls for you to leave the time-crunch, deadline driven, achievement-based life aside and have open play with them. You come to see that, just like kids, parents need this. It’s a human condition that hopefully reaches into later life.

Irony and sarcasm are not what a kid needs or understands. It’s not developmentally appropriate. Rather, say what you mean, rather than the opposite.

Let the kid finish their project. A kid’s “industry” and focus should not simply be dismissed, for they must be learn to value what they make and to complete what they begin, to finish a project that matters to them. This is a vital life lesson, an affirmation of the value of what you want to do and pursuing your imagination and curiosity. Children should learn that what they want to accomplish is important and that seeing it through to completion is possible. Grownups too often dismiss or sideline without warning a kid’s project. Let the child finish what they started, no matter how “trivial” it may seem to your “adult mind.”

Quit attaching the word “okay?” to every imperative.  E.g., When you say, ”Don’t touch that hot stove, okay?” what you are implying is, “Would it be okay with you if you don’t touch the stove?” But you’re not asking their approval of this. Tacking on that “okay?” implies you are offering them a choice which they can accept or reject– but you clearly don’t want that. Be clear: Say instead what you mean by finishing with, “do you understand?” e.g: “Don’t step off that curb, do you understand?” “Don’t touch that stove, do you understand?”

“Fair” isn’t always “equal.” Sometimes one kid gets some and the other doesn’t (as in taking turns). Sometime Mommy and Daddy get to choose what we watch. It isn’t equal but it is fair. E.g: On your sister’s birthday you don’t get presents, or taking turns at choosing where to eat out. Also, a younger kid doesn’t always get the choice/freedom/perks an older sibling does. That is fair also.

Show interest and always ask for an explanation of how the kid did or made that. Show curiosity at what they make and how they did it. Have them explain their process. This not only demonstrates your engagement and support, but also affirms their understanding and ability to create something that is their own– something that is valuable, interesting and merits curiosity. It reinforces their agency in making things, that things come from a creative process, a sequence, that has do-able steps.

“Make it okay.” Everyone makes mistakes. Point it out to your kid when you make one. Making a mistake can be okay so long as you admit it then honestly act to repair the damage.

It is not my job as a parent to eliminate my child’s “boredom.” Boredom can teach and motivate action. “I’m bored, there is nothing to do,” is a common refrain. Dealing with and overcoming boredom is an important life skill that leads to self-sufficiency. Having options for play, curiosity, and creativity visibly at hand is a good way to point them in the right direction. One doesn’t have to be involved or distracted by something at all times.

Try to make a game of whatever you have to do or what seems boring.

If you “draw a line in the sand,” you had better make good on that, otherwise your parental authority will mean nothing. In other words, say what you mean and mean what you say. E.g., “If you (do this) then we will (do that).” E.g., “If you are loud at the restaraunt, we will have to leave.” “If you are not nice to the puppy, we can’t play with the puppy today.”

It isn’t my job as a parent’s job to make my child “happy.” A parent’s job is to be a good parent, which will sometimes result in a momentarily “unhappy” kid (and/or an “unhappy” you). A child’s “happiness” or the absence of discomfort or challenge is not a parental obligation.

“Benevolent neglect:” Children must be allowed to learn from and recover from their own “failures,” missteps, or other challenges. Let a child “fail” so they can learn to recover.

If a child is not allowed to confront and course-correct mistakes, missteps, and grapple with consequences, they will not learn independence and self-reliance. They will emerge from childhood unable to get up or recover on their own. Check out the opening scene in the movie “Ray,” when the mother restrains herself and lets her blind son get back up after falling down, rather than rushing over to immediately offer aid. Such a realization of competency can have profound impact on a life.

Try to offer a choice rather than an ultimatum: Instead of an ultimatum or say, “because I said so,” try offering a choice, so the kid has some power in deciding the outcome. Kid: “I don’t want to use an umbrella.” Parent: “We can’t spend the day with wet clothing, so you can choose to use an umbrella or wear a rain poncho.” Then they are empowered with choice rather than mere submission or punishment.

Choice and obedience: Sometimes a child must do what you say, and it’s okay to at least give them the choice of doing it on their own or have you help them do it. E.g., “We have to get in the car now and if you can’t do that, then I will help you.” “I need you to put on your seatbelt. If you can’t, then I will help you.” It’s going to happen, and they can decide how.

Staying “even keel” is a fundamental (if sometimes elusive) parenting skill. Neutralizing or de-escalating an escalating emotional scene is also an important skill/goal. It a vital (and often challenging) behavior to model. If you can keep cool, you are modeling a style of problem solving. It’s a skill to learn.

Kids deserve fair warning or heads-up at approaching transitions:  Allowing a kid to finish up with an unfinished project is a matter of both consideration and fairness and is a big issue for kids. How would you feel if you are sitting reading a book and someone marched in and out of the blue said, “Stop what you are doing now, get in the car, we are leaving?” Kids need a heads up as well (even more so than an adult!). E.g., “We are going to lunch in half an hour.” Then, “We are going to lunch in 15 minutes so finish up and get ready.” Then, “We are leaving in five minutes for lunch, so finish up,” then finally, “We are going now.” If that gets no response move on to, “We are getting in the car now and if you can’t get in the car, I will help you get in the car.” Sudden transitions can be quite jarring or upsetting for some kids. It’s not fair to suddenly drag them away from what they were focused on without the heads up.

“Qualifying” is a handy concept. E.g: You “qualify” for a desert by eating a variety of good-for-you foods. “I want desert.” “Okay, you can qualify for a cookie by eating some (or all?) of your good-for-you food.”

Time together, reading together, playing together are not rewards to be doled out. They are regular features of every day.

Dealing with big emotions. Sometimes it’s a good idea to just walk away and cool down before things get too heated. Escalating anger shuts down communication (listening) and works against a constructive resolution. It can also set a bad example of how to choose to deal with frustration or challenge. Intense emotion is often like a weather pattern– fighting to control it or stop it is sometimes futile. Giving into it, allowing it to guide words and behavior can be destructive or hurtful. Battening down the hatches and letting it pass or just giving it time to dissipate might be the best strategy.

How am I doing as a parent? Check back in twenty or thirty years.

De-escalating an emotional firestorm without battle. Ramping up a bad scene can feel like the easiest most natural choice, but it is rarely the best path. Narrate how you see things, how you feel and why (this is called “going cognitive”). Say why you are getting very angry or hurt, but try to narrate it rather then just yelling. Work against the impulse to get loud or top an escalating emotional confrontation. Give verbal warning before getting loud. “If (X) then I am going to get very angry/ very loud.” It’s always fine to step out and cool off a bit before returning to address an emotionally charged matter.

Make a game of something that seems an obligation or boring. Make a game of any and everything, in fact.

Model a fight fair. Don’t belittle or demean or show disrespect when you and your partner parent disagree, or when you have issue with your kid. You are working something out that is emotionally charged. That’s fine. You are also modeling for your kid how to deal with conflict by fighting fairly.

Try to “narrate” a conflict rather than take the emotional bait. Narrate/describe your feelings rather than just submitting to them and allowing them to control the scene. If you need to walk away and cool off and return to it, that can be okay too.

Modeling: You show what you’re made of in how you respond to the inevitable difficulties of life, as well as day-to-day frustrations. You set examples for your kid with how you navigate life, how you treat others, how you spend your time, how you play. It is part of the responsibility of being a parent and also a reason to aspire to be a better version of yourself.

It’s not always the kid’s choice: It is fair and okay to do what the parent wants to do sometimes. e.g. Listen to a particular radio station or eat at a particular restaraunt. Whose turn is it today? It’s not always up to the kid to choose radio, food, etc. That isn’t fair. “Taking turns” is a form of sharing, an essential concept to learn and model.

Time off: Mom needs time with other moms. Dad needs time with other dads. Mom and dad need time alone together.

Relationship as botany: A marriage, like any relationship, is like a plant that needs ongoing care or it withers.

“How many times do I have to tell you?…” Actually, sometimes it’s necessary to sayor show something 500+ or more times before it sinks in. This isn’t something to be upset about. It just takes that many times for it to sink in. Learning or comprehending something can take a long time, for young or old.

Pick your battles. “Winning” an argument or fight can result in losing more than you thought you won. Some perceived losses are best taken with a shrug.

Parenting school of bettering yourself: Parenthood asks you to disentangle and maybe even free yourself from anything you may have learned poorly in your own life. Parenting may bring some of your own personal baggage or learned issues to light. It’s then your challenge to do better and be better than your default settings may incline you to be. You will learn a lot about yourself and much will be asked of you and that’s not always easy.

Relief: Part of the relief of parenting is that you both now have another who is more important than you are.

The inspirational power of a tidy and organized play space: Why clean it up? A clean, ordered room/home inspires creativity better than a chaotic dump. Have creative/fun things organized and out and available. (I find it is hard to maintain this, but it’s good to shoot for.) It’s easier to have fun if things are organized, visible and at hand.

A little praise and appreciation goes a long way. Complements are good for all. All good effort should be acknowledged verbally, not just accomplishment.

It’s always good to make a gesture of kindness or support.  There’s often a deeper reason behind an ask. A child asks you to bring them a glass of water not just for the water, but to affirm you are there for them, for example.

“Screentime:” Increasingly, grownups as well as children are captivated by their screens (tv’s, smart phones, tablets, etc.) It is up to the parent to set limits on “screentime” and have activities at hand (or adventures into the world) that are more interesting to do than stare at a screen. It is not a parent’s job to keep a child constantly entertained and occupied, however. But setting boundaries and keeping interesting options visibly at hand help with this. This takes forethought, prep and imagination- work. But it’s worth the effort.

Popular culture (movies, television, pop music) competes with what you want your child to learn and the values you want to teach. Social media steals focus and forms norms and expectations. Parents must square off against an entire entertainment industry and social media that is focused on breaking down the barriers of childhood for monetary gain. Part of a parent’s job is to hold the line of childhood as best they can. Parents must set these boundaries and enforce them to the best of our ability.

“Need to know:” A child will usually let you know when s/he is ready to learn about certain “big issues” it is okay to wait until they let you know they are ready. A simple and diplomatic answer can suffice when explaining to a child a complex adult-world issue or problem. If they need more detail, they will ask. Take the cue from the child as to how much detail is needed or wanted. (e.g., death, sex, Santa). When they really want and need to know something, they will tell you.

Myth and Pretend: Generally, if kids really need to know something, cue off them as to when to lift the curtain on certain things about the adult world. Otherwise, let them enjoy the protection and safety and fun of childhood. Need-to-know portioning of info is fine- as it is to let them let you know that they need to know. My kids never asked me about Santa. I think they could gauge for themselves how much they needed to know and whether they wanted to continue enjoying the fantasy, even when they became suspicious.

I’ve never felt the dread I’ve heard from others when the day of Yuletide Revelation approached. The way I see it is this: When I go to the Magic Castle, do the magicians impress me less, is the experience less magical, because I know all the magic tricks performed are all human-made? No. In fact, the magic is even more incredible to me. Do I dismiss a movie or play because I know it is only performed by actors and the special effects are all fake, that the words are just written words? Absolutely not. That we can create and conjure for each other stories and art that make our stay on planet earth all the more wonderful, fun and engaging is not a bleak insight for me. It doesn’t make our world less vital or magical. On the contrary, for me, the magic is more magical and remarkable because we make it for each other.

The grudge: Don’t underestimate (or be surprised by) a child’s ability to quickly forgive and forget. It’s grownups that hold a grudge.

When interviewing prospective schools, attend any school events or holiday shows you can, not just the visitation day for prospective parents. Note the vibe of the parents, for they are the new “gang” you will be joining.

Private schools: Once you’ve selected your favorite school let them know in no uncertain terms that they are your first choice. If you are coming from another school, enlist the head of that school to also let the new school know your intent. If there are any friends who can vouch for you, that’s also good. A private school wants engaged parents who have a good vibe, are involved and who are willing to help out some too.

Heads up: private schools end up angling kids in a certain academic direction which you may or may not be on board with. For instance private high schools may favor “Ivy League” colleges above all as the only acceptable destination.

Fantasy: Until a child is developmentally ready to separate “reality” from “fantasy,” (which isn’t until at least around six years, as I understand it) there is nothing wrong with allowing pretend or fantasy or deferring confronting or discussing certain issues. Fantasy is a key human capacity and there are good reasons we start life exploring and playing with imagination. The goal in life is not to extinguish fantasy, leaving only “reality.” Imagining “what isn’t” or what is more fun what is better, is a vital human capacity.

A sense of safety: Graphic or frightening images and situations in television and movies affect a child more profoundly than their appearance may indicate. E.g. An adult sees “Jaws” and is afraid to swim in the ocean. When a child sees images of killing or peril before the differences of reality and fantasy are set (6 years old about), the impact or trauma can be far greater, whether the child exhibits distress or not. A child may express eagerness to re-watch a distressing scene, when in fact they are drawn by the endorphin rush brought about by an upsetting or fearful reaction caused by the disturbing images or story plot. Tone and pace are important indicators of appropriateness. Try to keep media minimal and mild in tone/editing as long as you can. The market pushes for loud, fast and extreme at far too early an age.

Screen as baby sitter: With an iPhone or Android tablet given to a child, a bargain is struck: The screen babysits and quiets the child and the busy parent gets a break. But consider the cost of this arrangement for the child.

Most video “entertainment” is not developmentally appropriate for small children: It is way too fast and too dramatic. The jump cuts and loud volume are too jarring, scrambling focus and thought. 2D “screen time” is designed to overwhelm and mesmerize in an addictive way. Much of mainstream entertainment seeks to overload the host viewer with high speed and high volume imagery. Media companies seek money that flows from unregulated over-consumption and distraction. Their products and algorithms are not designed to benefit human quality of life, let alone healthy development of a child.

It is up to you as a parent to defend your child from this or deflect it as long as you can. It is a never ending struggle to regulate your child’s exposure to media. Perhaps one of a modern parent’s great challenges is helping a child self-regulate their social media and 2D media consumption. It’s an increasingly uphill battle in a post-iPhone, internet-saturated world that we were not evolved to thrive in. Yes, it’s certainly convenient to allow an iPhone or tablet to babysit a young curious mind. But the delivery system is trained to mesmerize its defenseless host and its jarring content trains a young mind away from connecting with other humans and investigating the real world.

Come to me! For safety’s sake teach your child to come to you immediately when you tell them to. You can practice this as a game.

Birthday parties: My take: For number of birthday party guests, try adding “1” to your child’s age. That should be about right. Many birthday parties for young children are miserable for the birthday kid because there are just too many kids there. It is overwhelming and chaotic. The birthday child often feels abandoned as the parent is busy overseeing the whole operation and there’s usually excessive sugar and a missed nap involved as well. Especially when younger, I favor a much smaller party or gathering for the sake of the kid.

Your job: What a kid mostly needs and craves is parental presence, engagement, and support– not “stuff.” This is an essential part of my job as a parent: to be with my kids, be present in their day in their life and be supportive no matter what. Just be present. Be around and available.

Modeling: Children usually take their cue for how to react or deal with life from their parents. The way a parent reacts to things, handles difficulty and treats people sets the tone for your kid’s life.

Academic skills will come later. Learn to play well with others first. Important things for a child to learn: self-confidence, trust in the foundational love of their family and friends, how to play fairly and how to empathize, how to follow your own curiosity. Numbers and words will come eventually. Human connection and skills come first.

Read aloud with kids all the time.

Subtext trumps action. Action trumps words. Words matter, but less than the tone of the example I set and what I actually do. It’s not so much what you intended to mean but how it was taken that can be the most important thing.